He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
