Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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