These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
