I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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