i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
