Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
