a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
