As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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