I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
