i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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