does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
