dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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