Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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