I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
