Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
