I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think weed is turning my hair brown
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
