I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
