I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
