I didn't shave. On purpose
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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