You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
