my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
