im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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