I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's shark week go big or go home
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
