Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
