a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
