oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
