so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
