I am in a vortex of obligation.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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