im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
