mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
