And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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