my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You may now shotgun with the bride
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
