i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
