i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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