Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
