margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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