We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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