a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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