You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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