my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
