I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
