She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up under a house in Key West
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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