If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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