Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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