Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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