you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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