Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
