My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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