You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
