Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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