I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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