New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
