My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
