It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
