We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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