I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize