oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
