I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So much Jack, so little girl.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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