listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
