Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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