If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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